Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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