Even water is tasting like jack daniels
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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