You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
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dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
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My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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