She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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