I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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