Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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