The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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