He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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