Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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