sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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