I cannot find my penis.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The convent might be a nice break from real life
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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