M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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