Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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