Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
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its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
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Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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