I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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