What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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