I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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