My Higher Power is John Stamos
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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