I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize