Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
BRING THE BAGELS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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