she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
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he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
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those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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