I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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