Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
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So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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