Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
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I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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