note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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