You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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