Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
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I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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