I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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