The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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