the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
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I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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