Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
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I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize