you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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