wrigley field is MILF paradise
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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