i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
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Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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