batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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