Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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