HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
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Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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