he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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