My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
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I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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