drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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