Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize