my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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