I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
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I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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