OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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