I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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