I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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