And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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