First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
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I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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