When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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