you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
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Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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