Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
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honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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