"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
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She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
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I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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